Books and Movies, Musings, Pictures, Poet Among Other Things

Hello, It’s Mz. Hyde

Better be scared, better be afraid,
Now that the beast is out of her cage

It’s not clean. They aren’t family friendly in the least. Most of the songs are about sex, whether explicitly or implicitly. The lyrics are full of obscenities. But there’s more to it than that. Sometimes you have to look past the obvious to see the true meaning of art.

One of my current favorite bands is Halestorm. I discovered and promptly fell in love with Lzzy Hale’s voice last year when she sang Lindsey Stirling’s Shatter Me. She has this powerful, gravely, but somehow still smooth voice that I haven’t found anywhere else. The band’s lyrics bothered me for a while. Stuff like, “I miss the bad things, the way you hate me, I miss the screaming, the way that you blame me.” This isn’t a healthy relationship. That song, and others, talk about rough break up sex and other “questionable activities”. But there’s an underlying theme, even in the most sexually charged songs.

But I won’t run
I’m not afraid
I’ll look em in the eye
Gonna hear me say
My life
My love
My sex
My drug
My lust
My god it ain’t no sin
Can I get it
Can I get an Amen
My grace
My church
My pain
My tears
My hurt
My god, I’ll say it again
Can I get it
Can I get an Amen

Much of Halestorm’s music is about accepting yourself and not giving a damn what others think of you. Having grown up in an environment where even my body wasn’t my own, this is something I’m having to learn in my 20s. I’m learning to own my identity, my beliefs, and my past. “I Miss the Misery,” mentioned above, is about getting out of an abusive relationship, and the twisted reality of missing the pain. While I’ve never been in a romantic relationship, I still strongly relate to the notion of missing abuse. Life is much simpler as a robot without a soul. There are times when all I want is to be back in the culture where I was manipulated, controlled and brainwashed. I’m free now. And I’m working on freeing my mind. I’m making new friends who are more diverse and accepting. I’ve learned a lot from them; like the fact that it’s ok to have very different styles from day to day.

CAM01920[1]Hello it’s Mz. Hyde!CAM01913[1]

I can be the bitch,
I can play the whore,
Or your fairytale princess, who could ask for more?

This deeply bothers a lot people. When you present your self in different ways every day, it confuses them. “I had you pinned as a nerd! What are you doing wearing Birkenstocks and a flower chain? How do I fix your obvious lack of connection to reality when you are dancing barefoot through the forest?” They don’t like to have to think about who you are more than once: the first time they meet you and make a snap judgement. After that, they like to be able to worry about correcting what they saw wrong with you.

When I first wore a black leather vest to school several people asked why I was dressed like a biker. I told them I was dressed like me, how I felt that day. I love this outfit. The tight leather vest, single dangling earring, and black ankle boots make me feel confident and daring. Some days I feel like visually representing the dragon part of me.

But there’s a lot more to me than black clothes and leather, and sometimes I feel like visually representing that side of me. I love my pink stripey tank top, knee high star socks and light grey converse. People are usually amused by this outfit. There are several colors and patterns going on at once. It makes me feel fun and quirky. I wear that on pegasus days.

Bands have songs. Good bands have lots of different songs. One may be about feeling good about yourself and another may be about having the worst day ever, but it’s the same band. People are like that too. They may look and act one way some days and be very different others, but they’re the same person. If you pay attention and get to know them you’ll probably find that those differences are actually kind of similar. My two outfits for instance. One is a dragon and the other is a pegasus. One has skin and scales and the other has fur and feathers, but both creatures have wings. Both are me. I’m also me when I just wear a t-shirt and jeans. Some day I may find another creature that suits me also, and I may eventually not identify with any of them. I’m learning to love and accept this about myself and my new friends. Maybe that makes us freaks, but we’re in good company, and I bet we’re happier than you.

So shout if you’re a freak like me,
You were born to burn,
This is no disease you don’t need a cure!
It’s our time now to come out!

If you’re a freak like me
Are you a freak like me?


What’s In A Name?

Names are beautiful things.

My name means Graceful Seamstress. For a long time I resisted this title. I’m finally figuring out how to move without running into walls and open doors, but I’m still not exactly what you would call graceful. And I can’t sew anything but a fairly straight line. But I learned to take it deeper. What is grace? Forgiveness. Do-overs. Looking for the best. What does a seamstress do? She creates clothes. What do clothes do? They cover you and can either make you feel beautiful or make you feel ugly. Words can do this too. So what does my name mean? I am a Gracious Creator. I make things that can either make you feel good or feel bad, but I am Gracious. I also see God’s Grace everywhere. Disney movies are my favorite parables. The forest is my favorite chapel. The night sky is my favorite quiet time.

Mom and Dad didn’t know any of this about me when they gave me my label. It’s not only a description of who I am, they didn’t know me yet, but also an endowment and foretelling of who I would be. It is also a reminder. When I don’t know what to do, I remember that I am a Storyteller, and that I need to create. Grace is a constant reminder that I am covered by grace, that I must give grace, and that I must look for Grace.whatsinaname

I have a friend whose name means Sea Princess. I absolutely love this. On the surface it reminds you of Ariel, but it goes so much deeper than that. What is a sea, other than a body of water? It is beautiful. It is also powerful and strong. Did you know that most of our oxygen comes from the ocean? So not only is the sea teeming with life, it also gives us land dwellers life. A Sea Princess isn’t just a little mermaid, it is a powerful ruler of life and beauty.

Sorry Shakespeare, but I think you’re wrong on that one. Names aren’t just labels for people, they are part of who we are. Part of the reason we are given names is so we can figure out what they mean. It’s like a puzzle of love and joy that you can never fully figure out.

Dig deep. What does your name mean? What does it remind you?



Be True To Your Heart

I am Annie. I am an ENFP with a strong sense of logic and need for alone time. I am a storyteller. My heart pulses with the blood of two. I have a past of self abuse and self neglect. I see things others can’t and I dream things. I hear music when there is none. I am Snow White and the Fire Breathing Pigeon. I am an adventurer and a poetess. I live in my heart and don’t always notice my body. I am a creature of darkness, not only light. stars

This is who I am right now.

I’ve said before, introspection used to be something I kind of looked down on. Actually, it was more just a thing I had never thought of. I just let whatever be whatever.

But then things in my life kept pushing me to think about myself. Why do I feel this way? Why do I react this way? And you know what I found? I’m actually a pretty interesting person. God has given us each a gift that we can only find by retreating into ourselves.

Even if you have nothing else of value, you have your heart. Get to know it. In doing so, you can’t help but get to know God. His fingers are intertwined with  your very being. I’m just starting to get to know this Beautiful AnnieJesus creature that I am. The more I learn who we are, the more I fall in love with my Jesus.

Learn your heart. You were given it, and it’s the only one there is. Listen to it. Feel it. When it stirs, don’t ignore it. Give it what it needs. Learn it’s language. Find its outlet. What makes it dance? What makes it beat?

There is a pandemic of neglected hearts. Your heart is not deceitful and wicked. It is Beautiful and infinite. It isn’t fickle. It is faithful and good. It won’t lie to you. Guard it. Don’t let anyone tell you it is not to be trusted. Be true to it.