Actions in Activities

How A 3 Year Old Can Control a 19 Year Old

When I was 3 years old I went to the doctor’s for a checkup. Just a routine visit. I remember walking into the brick building with my mom. She was a lot taller than me 16 years ago. Then I remember sitting on the exam table crying. There was blood everywhere and my arm hurt. I felt violated. They did that to me, without warning.

Since, well, Christmas really, I have been just a bit off. It got worse at the beginning of this month. I had the flu, and then it never really went away, and I’m still very fatigued. We took me to the doctor last week. The night before I got about 3-4 hours of sleep because I was so nervous. When they drew blood everyone seemed to think I was about to be sick. 

Last Thursday I went to the ER.  The pain was so bad at first that I started to black out. I couldn’t talk, but I could think. Lungs, not heart. Loud ringing in my ears. Cold lips. Sweating, gray skin. Shards of glass, being ground into my lungs with each movement. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I had no control over what was going on. They got me hooked up to the monitors, drew blood and took some x-rays. Everything was normal. They decided it was pleurisy, gave me some more meds for the pain (that was all but gone at this point), and sent me home. The only time tears threatened to roll down my face was when they put in my IV, later injected the meds, and when they took it out before I left.

That one afternoon when I was 3 years old has changed my life. Not only do I have a hard time trusting doctors and nurses now, this memory from my early childhood  has changed my future. A while back I realized that I would make a great EMT. But then I realized that I would have to let other students learn on my arm. Maybe someday I will be able to do that.

I’ve often heard parents talk about kids being so young they won’t remember things. I’d like to tell you, this is bull crap. I know most people don’t remember things that happen when they were 3, but I do. I also remember singing How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria with my grandmother when I was about 6. I remember the last time I went to the doctors office without anxiety. The funny thing about memory is, you don’t know what is going to stick and what isn’t.

 

Books and Movies, Musings

Melt

I finally saw Frozen last weekend. Several friends told me to watch it, so Hannah and I went on a little date.

There is so much more to this movie than I could possibly put in one post.

SPOILER ALERT

I have been coming to grips and learning who I really am. At the For Action Conference we did a lot of self examination and introspection. It has taken me a while to accept that this is a good thing and not self centered. In fact, to not take a good look at yourself is to ignore a certain bit of the image of God. You can’t be all you can be and use your gifts to help others without knowing who you are. Frozen was an amazing picture of my journey so far.

Elsa has a beautiful magic. As a small child she uses it and enjoys it. But then something happens and she is told that she must hide her gift. She puts up walls and keeps everyone out. She resents her gift.

I did very similarly. Our family bought into some very harmful teachings just as I was beginning to find my magic. I stopped showing emotion. Oh, sure. I never looked like it. At worst I was just shy. And, that’s ok for some people. But it’s not me. I lived “Concealed. Don’t Feel.” for 8 years. I remember the night that I decided I couldn’t share anymore, that I only hurt people when I did.

Elsa slips up and uses her magic. She runs away to the mountains. She’s alone, but it’s ok. Lonely freedom is better than life in a crowded box.

This summer when we changed churches I left my crowded box. I have been lonelier this school year than ever before in my life. As terrible as this sounds like it would be for an extrovert, I found the people who actually refuel me. These are people who think for themselves, who ask questions, and people I can relax with and talk to without feeling like a burden.

Elsa was forced to come back from her beautiful ice castle because others were hurting. She couldn’t just leave them there to suffer. She had her time in the castle to practice her gift, but in the end you can’t live alone. She has to go back to free the kingdom from the cold.

I’m leaving the castle now. I was forced. It would have been so easy to just stay alone in my frozen castle. I can’t sit idly by and let people hurt, especially when they hurt in ways that I used to hurt. It’s important to spend some time in the castle to learn who you are and to rest, but when you are done resting, it is time to move to action. Even if it just means being different, that is still action.

Elsa knew she had to leave her mountain, but once she got back to Arendalle she didn’t know how to end the winter. In the end she figured it out, and it looked obvious. Love. It wasn’t true loves kiss that broke this spell. It was love for her family and her kingdom.

I’m leaving my castle because I love. I love my sisters and brothers who are stuck in their crowded boxes. There isn’t room to find their magic, let alone use it. But I still love them. So I’ll come down.

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it GO.

That perfect girl is gone.

Elsa’s love melted the kingdom.

I’m here to melt.

{PART 2: Frozen Heart}