Books and Movies, Musings, Short

A Boring Character

I often find myself in a position of slight self pity because I don’t have an epic story. I have grown up in a Christian family, I was saved at a young age. I don’t have one of those dramatic testimonies. I am making peace with that. It’s a work in progress. The fact that even someone who isn’t all that bad still needs Jesus is what I have to keep reminding myself of.

But this lack of back-story has also made me frustrated for other reasons. If I were a character in a story, I would not get to be the one that goes off to battle, even though she is a woman. That is always a character that has some tragic back-story.

Eowyn was an orphan raised in her uncle’s court. She went through the pain of losing her parents and her cousin, having her brother exiled and seeing her uncle become poisoned and possessed. She was able to go off to war with the army. She did what no man could do.

Then I think of Maid Marian. In the BBC version of the story,  as the sheriff’s daughter, she was raised as a lady. She didn’t have rough life. It wasn’t until Robin left and Sir Guy took over that Marian became an interesting character. Nothing happened to her. She saw what was happening to others and acted. She took care of the townspeople. It wasn’t her own pain that provoked her to action, but someone else’s. She ended up saving lives and kicking some bad guy booty, all with no other reason other than that it needed doing. I could do that.

I just have to keep reminding myself that my story is just getting started. So far it hasn’t been very dramatic, but I’m not even 20 years into it yet. I can’t let this slow time get me stuck. There is a lot of time left for a good story.

Books and Movies, Musings

Fairytales

Reclined at the desk, devouring a toasty sweet potato, listening to the rain on the skylights above, I think about how life isn’t poetic.

No matter how I describe it, I’m still just eating dinner on a rainy night, wishing I had adventure in my life. I’m basically sulking right now. I want to do something awesome. I want to write something awesome. At the moment, it’s just not happening. My life is pretty boring right now. I don’t have many friends, and the ones I do have I don’t get to see very often. I have lots of ideas to write about, but then I sit down to write and I draw a blank.

I want to travel. I want to be a nomad. I’m too still. I need to move. My books aren’t enough, I need to live these adventures I pore over. I know they happen somewhere, but where?

I feel like Belle at the beginning of Beauty and the Beast. Consumed with books, living in a quirky house, waiting for life to begin while the world lives on around her, and brunette. I don’t exactly want to be captured by a monster, but that would be ok. I’ve always wondered how I would get along in a situation like that. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t just bury my face in my bed and cry like Belle does. There would be broken glass and probably blood. Actually, there would most definitely be blood, although I don’t know if it would be my captures or my own. Probably both. I would try to escape, but if I didn’t make it I would beat the stuffing out of the fool who caught me. If I didn’t win, and that’s a big if, I might pass out from blood loss.

But that’s not going to happen. Because life isn’t a fairytale. Not in this dimension. Maybe there is a dimension where there are still dragons. In that dimension I would probably be in the same situation as I am now, except with giant lizards. That wouldn’t help much. Even if the existence of dragons meant we were primitive and lived in conditions similar to the Middle Ages, I would just go about my business cleaning and cooking, probably wishing I could learn, but being a woman and a serf (or the other dimension equivalent) I won’t have the opportunity. I’m probably married to an old guy there. That’s kind of a disgusting thought. To make it even worse, I would know that somewhere, maybe somewhere close, there are glorious battles and vicious beasts. I’d like to think I’d be like Eowyn and go out to fight anyway, but in reality that kind of stuff didn’t happen all that often, and not to commoners.

I guess that’s why I like stories like Mulan, Beauty and the Beast, Brave, and Lord of the Rings. People, specifically women, living their quaint little lives and then something terrible happens. Whether it’s war, a family crisis, or marriage, something happens to shake them. Part of me doesn’t want something terrible to happen. But, then, nothing big happens without tragedy. Tragedy hurts though. I don’t want to hurt. But, I need adventure. True adventure only happens with pain, or the threat of pain.

That’s where I am right now. I’m just past opening credits and we are still establishing the world. Something is about to happen, there is just no way to know when.

Musings

Live Dangerous

Lately I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. In there among the fandoms and random word obsessions, there is a good bit of deep, contemplative thinking. This is what makes it to my blog most of the time nowadays. I’m not sure what to make of this. I can’t decide if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

If you are new to my blog, but you know me in real life, you may be thinking you are on the wrong blog. There are very few people who I talk about this stuff with. You probably see me as the girl who is either the youngest in the room or the oldest. Quiet most of the time, and then randomly coming out with odd little things that don’t quite make sense. Or I might always be talking, but about things that really don’t matter that much or one of my fandoms. It kind of depends on where you know me from, but in either circumstance, you are probably pretty confused right now.

If you only know me from my blog, and you met me on the street, you would not recognise me. I’m not as introspective in everyday life as I am on here.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. It feels kind of hypocritical. I’m two different people based on where you see me. But, this is who I am when I’m really me.

This really bothers me. I am a person who needs adventure and danger. I get weird when I am too safe for too long. I am an adrenaline junky. I love suspenseful movies and stories. I love rollercoasters. I love traveling.

But, I still fall into a rut of complacency. I don’t do anything radical. I get lazy and unintentional. I end up hurting people because of my carelessness.

I want to live dangerously. I want to do hard things. I want to be intentional. I want to be someone that people see as a profound thinker.

I write on here to work on being bold.  It’s not normal for me to share things like this, but I’m working on it. I want people to really know me.

Last Sunday I volunteered to lead the girls discussion in youth group. It was about the question of why we fellowship with other Christians. I love thinking about this kind of thing, but it usually just stays inside my head, or comes out my fingers to this blog. It was kind of weird, I had said I would do it before I realized what I was saying. It just kind of popped out. I was terrified, but I loved it. I attribute that spontaneity and boldness to my openness on my blog.

The fun person who talks about Doctor Who, Robin Hood and Lord Of The Rings is really me, but, like everyone, there’s more to me than that.