Uncategorized

Big

I really hate the predictability of writing a post like this at the end of December. It’s so cliche, and so not me (she said, her voice dripping sarcasm). I get more retrospective on my birthday or the beginning of the school year than around New Year’s. The fact is, I’ve been working on this post since August. I’ve started and stopped at least three times.  There are so many drafts, on all different topics, just sitting on the virtual editing table. Some of them may eventually be finished and published, some may just gather cobwebs. I’ve actually been writing more in the past few months than I have in a long time, but most of it has been journaling.  I’m probably going to continue focussing on journaling for a while, but I felt like saying a couple of things here.wheresanniebw

This year has been– I can’t really even think of a way to end that sentence. It has been, at the same time, the hardest and happiest year of my life. When I posted in March about my depression, I really didn’t comprehend what that realization meant. When your foe is invisible you don’t realize how big it is; you aren’t as scared of it, but it’s more dangerous. After you see clearly what it is, you’re more able to be afraid of it,  but also more able to fight it. I’m still
depressed, and I’ve lost a lot of weight because of it, but I’m getting help and finding ways to cope. I’ve had self harm relapses, some of them have been pretty bad ones, but the shame that kept me in hiding has lessened. Learning to let go of old ideas and relearn who I am and what I want has been my focus this year, in a way.

School has played a huge part in my life. The post from my first day on campus is almost funny now. For one thing, the gamers are my friends and I can hold my own in a game of Super Smash Bros. I’m pretty sure I remember seeing the person who is now one of my best friends playing that day. Most surprisingly, I’m vice president of one of the most active clubs on campus, and have somehow managed to be on the honors list every semester I’ve been here. The club means so much to me, and a little over a year ago I wouldn’t have even joined. The members have grown to be my friends and often call me mom (especially if I know they have a test coming up). If you had told me at the beginning of last fall that I would not only be considered a good student, but also be elected vice president of this club, I would likely have laughed in your face.

I think I know how to end that sentence now. This year has been big.

Uncategorized

Music

Maybe I’ve been the problem
Maybe I’m the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself
The outcome feels the same

I’ve been thinkin’ maybe I’ve been partly cloudy
Maybe I’m the chance of rain
And maybe I’m overcast and maybe
All my luck’s washed down the drain

I’ve been thinkin’ ’bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely
But when I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars
I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars
I feel like myself

Stars looking at our planet,
Watching entropy and pain
And maybe start to wonder
How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane

I’ve been thinkin’ ’bout the meaning of resistance
Of a hope beyond our own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent
Began to look like home

I’ve been thinkin’ ’bout everyone, everyone you look so empty
But when I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars
I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars
I feel like myself, You!

Stars,
Stars

Everyone, everyone you feel so lonely
Everyone, ya everyone you feel so empty
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars
I feel like myself
When I look at the stars, the stars
I see someone

Imagine this…I get a phone call from Regis
He says, “Do you want to be a millionaire?”
They put me on the show and I win with two lifelines to spare
Now picture this…I act like nothing ever happened
And bury all that money in a coffee can
Well, I’ve been given more than Regis ever gave away
I was a dead man who was called to come out of my grave
And I think it’s time for makin’ some noise

Wake the neighbors, get the word out
Come on…crank up the music…climb a mountain and shout
This is life we’ve been given made to be lived out
So la la la la live out loud
Live out loud, yeah

Think about this…try to keep a bird from singing
After it’s soared up in the sky
Give the sun a cloudless day and tell it not to shine
Now think about this…if we really have been given
The gift of a life that will never end
And if we have been filled with living hope we’re gonna overflow
And if God’s love is burning in our hearts we’re gonna glow
There’s just no way to keep it in

Wake the neighbors, get the word out
Come on…crank up the music…climb a mountain and shout
This is the life we’ve been given made to be lived out
So la la la la live out loud
Live out loud, yeah

Everybody, come on
La la la…la la la la
La la la live out loud
I want to hear everybody sing
La la la…la la la la
La la la live out loud, loud, loud

Every corner of creation is a living declaration
Come join the song we were made to sing

Wake the neighbors, get the word out
Come on…crank up the music…climb a mountain and shout
This is life we’ve been given made to be lived out
So la la la la live out loud
Live out loud, yeah