I feel like that’s a good description of me. Simple and plain, yet complex and different. Le song
I’m done with my series about camp. Sigh. So, now I”m not sure what to write about other than recent happenings. It’s been about two months since I’ve posted an actual update, so for now I have plenty to talk about. 🙂
Some things haven’t changed though. I’m still jobless. I still volunteer at the library. My only source of income is babysitting, and that has been going slow. I’m still living at home. I’m still Annie. I’m still a child of God. I still write; for better or for worse, whether you like it or not (of course, you can always stop reading).
In some ways it feels like this Summer has been going on forever. The heat. The lack of a job. The lack of school. It feels like it is never going to end. Thankfully we’ve had some cool days recently, but even that doesn’t change it much. Endless Summer. I’m not talking about a tanning lotion or something. For whatever reason I was thinking of August as being the end of Summer. I’m not sure why. We are getting closer, but it’s not really fall yet. We still have about a week left before the schools start around here (we don’t start until after Labor day), but even then it won’t actually be fall. Just be cold, would ya!
I start my journey of becoming a doula this month. I’m really excited, but extremely nervous. For years I’ve been looking forward to beginning my quest to become a midwife. Now that I’m finally here, I’m not sure that it’s what I want anymore. I still love birth and I still think it is part of God’s plan for my life, but I do have other options. Before this year I never thought I could do anything else. I wasn’t smart enough to go to college, but I could learn a trade. Midwifery was something I could do from home. I could be a stay at home mom. But I realize now, I was putting myself in a box. As ridiculous as it sounds, if you know much about midwifery at all you know that it isn’t something to be taken lightly. I wasn’t thinking big about something that is a big deal.
I had been hinging too many things on my obligatory, impending husband. The assumption that I would get married at a young age and have children right off the bat. The normal Christian-conservative-homeschool-girl dream. What a twisted idea. That a man would fix my “problems” and make me “right”. This was a very subconscious thing for me; I’ve never really been very traditional. These ideas sneak in like the silent shadows of poison vapor and they are very hard to wake up from. There is only one man who can do “fix” me, and I already have Him. Unhappy wives, marriages in shambles, kids with broken hearts. I’m seeing, more and more, how true it is that “it’s better to have no man than to have a sub-par one”.
I’ve discovered that I really love to write and that I’m not dumb. I could go to college. I could study journalism (to my broadcast journalism, former DJ mother’s great joy). I could expand my academic horizons.
I deeply love reading. I could open a used book store. It would be complete with spiral staircase. Even if it didn’t really need it, there would be perhaps a little landing with a comfy chair. The walls would have old newspaper clippings and there would be cushy chairs everywhere. We would only have hardbacks and specialize in old books. It would be a place for everyone who loves good literature, young or old. There will, of course, be at least one shop cat.
I am a person that needs adventure. My parents have known this, it’s part of the reason they sent me to California all by myself when I was not even 10. I must travel or I will grow dim and witless (name that book).
So maybe I will end up a missionary midwife and ride around in the bush tending women in their strongest, yet weakest moments. Or I might be a foreign concordant and inform you on the news of the world. And maybe I’ll wind up being the eccentric book and cat lady who disappears every once in a while, to who knows where. And at some point I might find a man who makes me feel like slowing down, but not much, and begin our joint adventure.
Two things are certain. I will still be Annie, and everything that means; and I will always end up back home.